Morning talk

Enjoy the journey

Starla jumped into an icy pond to get a little stick. She she didn’t care about the consequence of hypothermia, or returning a failure if the stick was actually attached to a log, she didn’t seek anyone’s advice or expertise, she certainly didn’t plan ahead. She instinctively jumped in on impulse. I want to be like her: unequivocally embrace the quest.

Yep, so human

The reality is, I suck sometimes. I wish there was a better word for it but I’m not finding it. I just have to accept the truth that, being human, I suck at life sometimes. I failed - I am failing - I will fail. It’s my way of releasing shame & guilt that accompanies my shortcomings. And that frees me to live, love & hope in pure abandon again.

“Don’t be like the rest of them, darling” Coco Chanel

Let what’s inside radiate externally. “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day.” Its directed strength:  an indifference to peer pressure; a willingness to endure injury from others; patience without resentment; a gentle approach; a willingness to stand alone; hope from within.

Time for quantum mechanics

I love this time of year. Cleaning up the garden barn and getting ready to start seeds. The process is amazing, satisfying & gives me such a sense of accomplishment to watch a seed germinate. And if I can get the hard ones to germinate (i.e. rosemary)? Or get 100% germination rate when 75-90 % is average? Oh my. What a day for my over-achiever syndrome. What’s crazy is that this natural process is free (seed, soil, moisture & sun) & poof! Quantum mechanics is underway. The “god particle”, dark energy, dark matter is all wrapped up in a perfect combination to mysteriously kickstart life (big bang) & grow life to a healthy & bountiful harvest (photosynthesis aka quantum mechanics). I’m oversimplifying something I don’t understand, but what I do understand is starting seeds is truly & incredibly satisfying! I’ll leave the brilliant minds to tackle the 95% of the universe that is still unknown.

Absolute surrender

I’m learning how to surrender! Feeling in control worked for me (not for others) for a very long time. Actually, I’ve been rewarded countless times, for being “so good” at controlling everything. But it gradually stopped working &, with self-awareness evading me, I was the last one to figure out I was the problem. Little by little, I’ve been trying to walk back being in charge of the world.

Accept circumstances I can’t change. Let go of expectations & embrace an unknown outcome. Forgive myself for not knowing how to do better. Live graciously & gratefully with imperfections. If I sense anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, hopelessness taking hold, I have to check my stubborn thoughts of trying to control things & let them go.

Life it full of irony

The farm works like clockwork with consistency & good husbandry. Until it doesn’t for no apparent reason, & I’m left scrambling to see what’s going awry in our little ecosystem. At this point in my life, I’m trying to be less in control, you know, let nature do her thing. After all, I don’t initiate the sunrise each morning. I don’t magically infuse seeds with the biological components needed to germinate bountiful plants. I can’t make ewes lamb healthy babies, hens lay eggs, ducks brood, bunnies mate, rain fall, organic matter compost. The natural order of things happen on their own, in their environment, without any assistance from me - most of the time. I clean stalls, organize feed, take inventory, ensure the plants & animals are thriving. When something goes awry - whether it be pests out of control, a crop failure, sick animals, I realize, too late, that some significantly important detail was overlooked & has caused a ripple effect in the balance & harmony of the farm. So it’s off to the races to identify & fix the thing that caused so much distruption.

The farm is actually a mini-universe of the big one however, a lot more forgiving & easier to course correct within the confines of a calendar month. There is so much irony in life!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is”.

Albert Einstein

“Meet me where the sky touches the sea. Wait for me where the world begins.”

Jennifer Donnelly

The ocean is calling & I must go! I guess it’s the springtime where the sun starts to feel different - closer, I guess? Or maybe it’s wistfully hoping I can get away before the rush of activities that take me right up to Fall. Idk but it comes to me every year about this time. I get an incredible desire to go to the ocean, lay in the sand, eat oysters on the half shell, crab claws in BBQ sauce, & hear the seagulls & waves.

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

Catherine was very, very weak from pneumonia at 5 days old & one day after antibiotics & a surge of energy, I let her out for sunshine with the herd for about half the day. When they came back in that night - I held my breath until I saw her. She was the last one to slowly, so slowly, stumble into the barn. She had obviously struggled with all her strength to keep up with the others all day. She kept them in her sight until she was safely inside the barn. My heart sank - she has no strength! I situated her as comfortably as possible, but she died during the night. Hindsight is 20/20. It did not occur to me the energy & effort it would take for her to keep up with the herd all day & not get lost in the field which, instinctively, she knew was danger. It was a hard lesson. I felt responsible for her. But I’m glad I have that lesson, not just for the next sick lamb, but for anyone in my life who is struggling to keep up.

Potential vs. Purpose

I have often felt shame & guilt for not “living up to my potential”. I’ve berated myself: I should have been wiser with my money, wiser in choosing dates, wiser in knowing when to exit a relationship, wiser in parenting, even “wiser” in representing & advocating for myself. It’s curious though, that none of these things have anything to do with a lack of effort. I try hard in everything I do. I am a hard worker. So the shame & guilt I feel is in trying hard for the wrong thing. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe the lesson is that I should have never tried to “live up to my potential”. Does the young vet, who lost his limbs at 18 years old live up to his potential? Did Jesus reach his full potential? These thoughts aren’t mine but they hit home. A young minister, Brandon Metz, aptly made these points in a sermon recently. Jesus was convicted of treason & murdered in his prime. If we’re honest, maybe the Son of God did not reach his full potential in human flesh on earth. Yet, did he fulfill his purpose? Absolutely. This is very encouraging to me. Can I fulfill my purpose? Absolutely. As Mother Teresa said, “God does not require that we be successful only that we be faithful.”

“Growth means change & change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown”.

Author Unknown

It was so scary signing the contract to begin restoration on the farm. Not doing it meant the 100 year old barn would begin to collapse. Doing it meant I invest not only hard-earned money, but my foreseeable future into the farm. It is a big financial decision & big commitment on my time. But even at 55 years old, I do not want to live fearing the unknown. I’d rather be like Gus in Lonesome Dove & chase the buffalo.

Steadfastness that is holding on; patience, that is holding back; expectancy, that is holding the face up; obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do; listening, that is holding quiet & still so as to hear.

Samuel Dickey Gordon

“…the Shepherd said to Much-Afraid, “When you continue your journey there may be much mist & cloud. Perhaps it may even seem as though everything you have seen here of the High Places was just a dream, or the work of your own imagination. But you have seen reality & the mist which seems to swallow it up is the illusion. Believe steadfastly in what you have seen. Even if the way up to the High Places appears to be obscured & you are led to doubt whether you are following the right path, remember the promise, “Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand & when ye turn to the left.” Always go forward along the path of obedience as far as you know it until I intervene, even if it seems to be leading you where you fear I could never mean you to go. Remember, Much-Afraid, what you have seen before the mist blotted it out. Never doubt that the High Places are there, towering up above you, & be quite sure that whatever happens I mean to bring you up there exactly as I have promised. “ As he finished speaking another rent appeared in the curtain of mist & one of the peaks of the High Places framed in the blue sky shone down on them.”

Hinds’ Feet on High Places